Pieces of Gratitude

I had a thought during final savasana yesterday. Just finished a gruelling practice by Jordin a regular teacher at Darlinghurst studio, in Sydney, AU. Jordin is from Great Falls, MT but is living in Sydney on a year visa. Teaching 10-15 a week and taking everyday. The room was HOT, I was set up right in front of the floor heater (oops), thus my head on fire most of time. Lots of yogis/yoginis, I would say 60 easy. Sometimes you need a really HOT and hard practice to breakthrough again. Push yourself to the point where you have nothing left to give. THEN, that's when you're rewarded with the final savasana and the brain and body relax and open. I thought about my journey, so far, after TT. The confusion I felt at TT, the subsequent divorce, the struggle to teach, the effect of my actions on others, especially my children.... It's all been tough but I had a revelation that I have become someone, now, that I always admired. There's a family I know, where the parents both have a easy spirit and an sense of adventure. Kindness and compassion towards others and the world. They follow their heart and not always their brain, even though both are highly accomplished physicians. I looked up to them, because I wanted to acquire a sense of freedom and peace that they portrayed. I realized yesterday that I have started making this my own reality. I wanted to be open, compassionate, a student of the world, someone not stuck, but free to follow my hearts desire to contribute to the world in a personal way. Freedom of your own soul leads to peace. The pieces are coming together. I'm grateful.

Leading during The Storm

I've been practicing Bikram yoga for a little over four years now. During that four year time frame, I have been a "stay at home mom". I worked for a couple Pharmaceutical companies, Abbot Labs and Novartis, in sales before that. I bring this up because I haven't really been out in the "working world" since starting my practice. This past weekend was the first time I was in a leadership role, had 30 people reporting to me over the Festival weekend. The festival was put together, last minute, fast and furious by a wonderful person, Mary Hurja. I met Mary, by chance, (if you believe in chance, I don't) three weeks before the festival. She planned a massive festival and needed a lot of help. The reason I bring this up is because I'm often asked how yoga has effected my life. Changes that I have experienced from the way my mind or body felt before Bikram. This last weekend really gave me some concrete data to help answer that question. I felt that I was "in the zone" all weekend, in terms of performance. I haven't had people directly report to me before, but I found that it was seamless and the answers to multiple problems, "situations", or just making decisions came very naturally to me. People responded extremely well and soon staff that I didn't have any responsibilities for started asking me for answers as well. I can bring this back to yoga. I had one woman who was involved with the festival from the beginning tell me, multiple times, that I was so calm and collected and organized throughout. She couldn't believe it. In the mist of a shit storm, I was calm and dealt with multiple issues at once, with nearly perfect outcomes. That is yoga. Bikram yoga calms the mind, teaches you how to breath again, and understand yourself better. I was told after the festival ended that I'm a natural leader. That meant a lot to me, because prior to starting yoga, nobody would have said that to me. So, people.... do your yoga!!! It's hard, but you will see so many positive changes!

Festival Time

Food and Wine festival time, also known as The Sunnyslope Food and Wine Festival, but will go down as Festival ala Turkmenistan because I'll be working my backside off. I expect 8 AM til 1 AM Friday and Saturday, Sunday only 10AM till 8PM. It's going to be crazy fun. I'm going to hide a flask in my pocket throughout. Have a permanently confused and glazed over look on my face. No, not really, I can handle it. I can handle just about anything that comes my way now. I feel a sense of empowerment. It's pretty damn cool. Yesterday I signed my divorce papers. Today I navigate in a new direction, my own direction, into my own future. Can you start over at 40? You're damn straight you can. And it feels pretty good.....

Change the Record

Today I signed my divorce decree. Don't be sad for me, please don't pity me or cry for me. I'm ok and everything is going to be OK. I wanted to share a few affirmations, given to me by my friend Paul, which meant a lot over the past few months. I hope they mean something to you too. 1. "Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door" 2. "It is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no-one is playing with marked cards, sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, clean the house, change the record, get rid of the dust" 3. "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure" 4. "Choose not a life of imitation" and finally 5. "Somewhere out there, beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field.... I will meet you there"

"Bunches" of Smiles

ahhhhh success finally. I get to experience some pure JOY, unleashed. Today is a great day. Especially after yesterday, which was spent crying off and on for 24 hours. I never used to cry this much. I was more emotionless, so I guess crying is good for me. At least I'm letting something come out. Anyway, fast forward to my joyful moment. I was at the noon Bikram class today, taking not teaching (as we all know), and Jamie the studio owner is the teacher. Love her classes, super love her. She calls me up, out of the blue, to teach the class Triangle posture. OK.... this has happened once before by another teacher, Nicole Vickerman. I refer to it as "Punk'd Asana Teaching Method" cause it feels like there's a hidden camera somewhere and your totally caught off gaurd. So, I teach the Triangle posture, watched the bodies, when one student didn't move her both arms, I just kind of stared at her, waiting, then realized everyone else was waiting. Just keep going. (student had a bad hip) Long story or short story short. After class Jamie said I don't have to do the "interview' class and that she's putting me on the schedule! YES!!! success finally! Forward movement, goal achieved. Start please. So, yes, I'm happy. Today is a good day. My divorce will be final by the end of next week and my new life with it. Big smiles. Big... Huge... Bunches (yes, that's for you)

Green and Blue Polish

God, I'm so fucking mad right now, I feel like I might scream! I know, I need to stop swearing, I've heard the negative feedback. But I'm super frustrated. Life is so complicated right now. Just want to clear my mind and start over. So, I'm going to "get it out" by writing. When I was at Bikram TT, the staff said to "trust the process". They said it so much that it sort of became a running joke in Yogaland. Anyway, trusting the process is something that I have found is still VERY necessary to remain calm, cool and collected. I have realized lately, that I'm still very much in "the process" of coming out of a life that I didn't fit in and going into one of my own. One I can call, my own. Just knowing that, has helped me. And I can use the help. Sometimes I will wake up and wonder where I am, how I got here, what I'm doing. It takes some time to kind of "talk myself down" from my self imposed ledge, and realize that, this is me, searching for myself again. I'm finding that there is beauty all around me. Like tonight, when I was painting my girls toe nails at my place. Blue and green polish. Holly wanted one toe blue and the next green and so on and so forth. She is now realizing that her parents don't live in the same house anymore. It causes my heart to hurt. When I was driving away from JT's house tonight, I felt chest pain. I was waiting for another symptom but it slowly released and then I was just pissed off. When you were married to "The Neighborhood Nice Guy" is doesn't make things easier. But I won't go into detail about that. *note my previous post about disclosure on spouse. Thank you for reading, whoever is still out there. Random Yogi/Yoginis I feel better already. Not a lot of funny tonight. Next post, my sense of humor will return and slap you in the face.