Green and Blue Polish

God, I'm so fucking mad right now, I feel like I might scream! I know, I need to stop swearing, I've heard the negative feedback. But I'm super frustrated. Life is so complicated right now. Just want to clear my mind and start over. So, I'm going to "get it out" by writing. When I was at Bikram TT, the staff said to "trust the process". They said it so much that it sort of became a running joke in Yogaland. Anyway, trusting the process is something that I have found is still VERY necessary to remain calm, cool and collected. I have realized lately, that I'm still very much in "the process" of coming out of a life that I didn't fit in and going into one of my own. One I can call, my own. Just knowing that, has helped me. And I can use the help. Sometimes I will wake up and wonder where I am, how I got here, what I'm doing. It takes some time to kind of "talk myself down" from my self imposed ledge, and realize that, this is me, searching for myself again. I'm finding that there is beauty all around me. Like tonight, when I was painting my girls toe nails at my place. Blue and green polish. Holly wanted one toe blue and the next green and so on and so forth. She is now realizing that her parents don't live in the same house anymore. It causes my heart to hurt. When I was driving away from JT's house tonight, I felt chest pain. I was waiting for another symptom but it slowly released and then I was just pissed off. When you were married to "The Neighborhood Nice Guy" is doesn't make things easier. But I won't go into detail about that. *note my previous post about disclosure on spouse. Thank you for reading, whoever is still out there. Random Yogi/Yoginis I feel better already. Not a lot of funny tonight. Next post, my sense of humor will return and slap you in the face.